I did my best

When I was 15, I started dating my oldest son's father.  He was 2 years older than I.  Just like most teenage girls, I was "in love".  "J" was one of those horrible males who did not take "NO" for an answer.  I endured being raped by him several times.  I remember the last time it happened like it was yesterday.  I had gone with him to take one of our friends home and he stopped on a side road.  He climbed over on top of me in the passenger seat and jerked my shorts off.  I was crying and begging him to stop.  He just kept saying "Hang on, I'm almost done".  When he was done, he looked over at me crying and said "I guess I should have stopped".  I didn't talk to him again for a month.  When I did talk to him, it was to tell him I was pregnant.  He screamed at me and told me it wasn't his.  I hadn't been with anyone else. 

It took me 2 months to tell my mom and even then, I wrote her a very long letter taking the blame for everything and apologizing for letting her down.  She hugged me and told me she would help me.  She made me an appointment at the health office for the next day.  She hadn't even told my father yet.  He called the evening of my appointment wanting to know why I wasn't as school that day.  She told him that he was going to be a grandpa.  He was PISSED.... at me.  To this day he says I lied about being raped.  At first, he pushed for me to have an abortion but my mom didn't want me to go through that.  She would be so ashamed of me if she knew that I have had one since then. 

I was pretty lucky.  My parents both stood behind me and helped me out.  I was in the 10th grade, 15 and pregnant.  Almost all of my friends stood behind me too.  On May 21, 1997, I gave birth at 16 yrs old to my son Zachary.  He was born gray.  Almost all of his blood went back into the placenta and he was in the hospital for 3 days.  I was so happy he was ok and we went home. 

About a week after he was born, I returned to school to take my semester tests.  I took my GED test in the fall and passed very quickly.  I spent a year with Zach and in the fall of 98, I started college.  I finished my Administrative Support Certificate while all of my friends were finishing up their senior year.  I was so proud of myself.  I landed a job with a local telephone company in September of 99 through a temp agency.  January 17, 2000, I was hired on permanently with the company.  The next day, my family's life was turned upside down when my mom was killed in a car accident.

My mom and Zach were taking my father breakfast when she was hit by a semi, killing her on impact.  She saved Zach's life.  I know how bad it hurt me, but I can't fathom the pain Zach felt.  He was with her more than he was me since I was working an hour from home. 

I won't sit here and tell you that I'm the perfect mother.  I made A LOT of mistakes when Zach was younger.  I dated some pretty shady people but I always made sure my kids (Zach and his little sister Emily) were safe and taken care of.

In October 2004, I met the love of my life.  Zach struggled with me marrying Wade.  He was never happy.  December of 2005, I made a huge mistake.  I had just come off my depression meds and was extremely angry.  Zach pissed me off one evening and I put my hands around his throat.  I let go of him the instant I realized what I was doing.  He waited 5 months to report me to the school.  CPS came in, I never denied what happened and I completed everything they asked. 

In July 2008, I had had enough of the crap.  Zach had threatened to shove Emily off of our porch and kill her.  He was sneaking around smoking, lying, talking back, etc.  Everything I tried never worked.  He was in counseling, was on several medications, and had even been put in a behavioral hospital for 9 days.  Every time I tried to help him, my father would jump all over me and tell me it was all my fault and threaten to get my other kids taken by CPS.  He told me to let him have Zach for a couple weeks and he'd straighten him up.  I finally called him and told him to either come get Zach or I was putting him in a boy's ranch.

Hind sight is 20/20 and I wish now I had just put him in a boy's ranch and cut my father out of our lives.  My father was supposed to adopt Zach, but his lawyer only drew up guardianship papers.  Instead of reading them, I trusted his lawyer and signed the papers.  Now I have to pay child support.  I'm well over $3000 behind and my license has been suspended.  My father keeps saying that he'll drop the arrears when he's ready or when we consistently bring my other children to see him or any other demand he decides to throw out there. 

Zach had been talking to me really well up until Christmas.  We took the kids to see him on Christmas Eve.  It was a pretty good visit but it was the last.  Some words were exchanged because Wade had accused my father of calling CPS on us recently.  Come to find out, Zach had told lies to one of his friends because he thought he'd get to see the kids more or that my father would get them, so she called on us.  I'm really not sure where I went wrong with him but I did my best.  I miss Zach every day.  Maybe someday, when he's grown, he'll see what was right and what was wrong and that I love him enough to endure hell for him.  And I pray that his children NEVER put him through what he has put me through.