I just don't understand

Almost 12 years ago, my mom died in a car accident.  I was 18, almost 19.  My brothers were 16 and 14 and my son was 2.5.  I really miss her.  She was AMAZING.  There is not one person I know who didn't like her.  Even my father still loved her.  She was just that awesome. 

I'm sad she's gone, but I'm glad she's not in pain.  She suffered for years with Crohn's Disease.  It was hard to watch her go through flare-ups.  That being said, this year I'm more angry than sad and that makes me feel guilty.

I am so mad at her for leaving me here to deal with my father, my holier-than-thou brothers, and my disrespectful, spiteful son.  I've had 5 children since she died.  I've gotten married twice and divorced once.  While I know she was here in spirit, she wasn't physically here and that hurts... BAD!!!! 

I wish she were here.  I know that I've done things she wouldn't be proud of, but unlike the rest of my family (my father, brothers, and son), she would still love me and be here for me.  She wouldn't have turned her back on me and she would not have tolerated the way everyone has behaved, including me.  She would have said what she had to say and moved on.  Her love wasn't conditonal.  She didn't control my life or even try to. 

Things would be so much better if she were still alive.  I miss her and love her.  RIP Mom!

Anita Marlene McNutt Ragan
March 31, 1960--January 18, 2000