The holidays are upon us

Well there are 25 days until Christmas.  This is the first time in a very long time that I am actually looking forward to Christmas.  The kids won't be getting much but I am finally going to explain to them what Christmas is about.  I feel my mom around me a lot lately.  She would want me to celebrate and be happy, so I'm going to.  I can't promise I won't cry but that's ok.

This will be a tough year for my wonderful husband and his family.  It will be the 2nd one without Maw Maw.  She and I may have argued and disagreed but she loved me and I loved her.  With that said, I am worried about my own grandmother.  She is in poor health and I feel like she doesn't have much time left here on earth. 

I was worried how we were going to manage getting gifts for our kiddos but an angel called me and offered their help.  I am forever grateful for that.  Next year will be different.  We will be an angel for someone.

There is one thing and one thing only that I personally want for Christmas.  Along with that gift will come peace of mind for me.  I wouldn't have to constantly worry and watch over my shoulder.  Getting this gift will take an act of God though, but you know what???  I BELIEVE!!!  Every day until it happens, I am going to envision it taking place. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

25 Things I Love About....my husband

I met my husband in October of 2004.  He was my youngest brother's best friend.  I thank God for him everyday.  There are LOTS of things I love about him but here are 25 of them....

1. He never fails to tell me he loves me
2. He took on the role of daddy in a "ready made" family
3. He loves my 2 oldest children as his own
4. He gave me 3 ornery little boys and 1 gorgeous little girl
5. He has an awesome family
6. He speaks his mind
7. He loves me despite my flaws
8. He always tells me I'm beautiful
9. He does his best to make my dreams come true
10. He believes in me
11. He trusts me
12. He has endured abuse from my family because he loves me
13. He was strong enough to get off drugs (before we met)
14. He provides for our family without complaining
15. He respects me
16. He is an amazing father
17. He helps me around the house
18. He helps out his family
19. He has tattoos (yeah silly I know but I love them)
20. He has really brought me out of my shell
21. He backs me up
22. He doesn't let his past define him
23. He also doesn't let my past affect him
24. He has gorgeous blue eyes
25. And most of all I love him cause he is mine!




My life.... Wade



A mother's love

If you had told me 12 years ago that I would be spending the very last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, I probably would have hit you.  She was my everything.  People have told me for years that I look just like her.  I didn't see it till recently.



My mom at 17, me at 30

 I will never forget the day she died.  My father called me at work, leaving a message that said, "Your mom's been in a wreck and I don't know where Zach is".  I remember standing up and screaming, "Someone get me out of here."  One of my bosses took me home where I rode with one of my mom's friends to the hospital.  I found my father, brothers, and son and immediately knew she was gone.  I was so numb.  A nurse came in to ask if there was anything she could do.  I yelled at her, "Yeah, you can bring my mom back."  I will never forgive my father for making me go in that room to see her.  She was green from her liver bursting, blood coming out her ears and nose.  I hate him for making me see her that way.  He said I'd never forgive myself if I didn't see her one last time, but it's him I'll never forgive.  The next few days were crazy.  My uncle made her a pine coffin.  It was beautiful and my aunt, her sister, did her hair and makeup.  She looked like mom sleeping. 

She was in so much pain in the years before she died.  She had Crohn's disease.  She was so strong and endured so much.  People said that she pulled out in front of that semi on purpose because she wanted to die.  That can't be further from the truth.  For one, she had my son with her.  He was her world.  And for two, she had so many medications that if she wanted to kill herself, she knew what combinations to take. 

I think I lost my mind for a few years after she died.  I made some horrible choices.  She would have been so ashamed of me then, but now, I think she would be very proud of the woman I have become.  If it weren't for everything she instilled in me, I think it's possible that I would have never turned things around.  She sent me Wade.  He is so much like her that sometimes it's scary and sometimes it makes me cry.  I love you mom.  RIP Marlene McNutt Ragan 3-31-60 to 1-18-00

You've breastfed how long?

I'm a firm believer in breastfeeding.  In fact, I'm so pro-breastfeeding that I have even called myself a breastfeeding nazi.  I have breastfed 7 kids.  I know you are asking yourself "7 kids???  I thought she only had 6."  And I do only have 6 children of my own but my niece, who was 6 weeks premature, couldn't tolerate her formula at one point so I also nursed her for a few weeks while also nursing my 18 month old daughter.  She did so well on it.  My brother put a stop to it because it was "disgusting" as he put it. 

I was 16 years old when my first child was born.  I was so determined to breastfeed because my mom told me I wouldn't be able to.  Now don't take that the wrong way.  My mom was very pro-breastfeeding.  She breastfed both of my brothers and me.  She was just so afraid that at 16 and going to college, I wouldn't be able to do it.  I didn't have enough milk so I did supplement with formula and goat's milk.  I did it while going to college, working, and having a life. 

Me at 16 with Zach

 

I have breastfed for 11 years and 3 months so far.  I am currently nursing my 2 month old daughter.  I used to be one of those moms who physically got sick if I saw a bottle of formula in a baby's mouth.  Thanks to some wonderful friends I met online, I have come to realize that not everyone can breastfeed.  Not everyone wants to breastfeed either and while I feel that it is selfish to not even try, they are not my child and I'm thankful they are getting fed.  One day when my children are in school, I will go back to school to become a lactation consultant.  I will be able to help moms who have no support.  Knowledge is power.  :)

It's been a long day

It has been one VERY long day.  Of course no different than any of my other days as a wife and mother.  I accomplished quite a bit today and have remained positive.  That's not gonna happen everyday even with "happy pills".  At this moment, my infant daughter is asleep and my husband has the other monkeys (as we call them) in the living room.  Sometimes a woman just needs time to herself.  It doesn't happen often. 

I use the computer between cleaning and cooking and childcare.  And as much as I get irritated at the hum-drum of doing the same thing day in and day out, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  Well, maybe chocolate and a million dollars.  Ah, who am I kidding?  Everyone knows I live for my husband and kids.  Without them I really don't know who I'd be but I never want to find that out.

I make my kids mad but I know they love me.  I made them homemade pizza cupcakes for dinner and my 6 year old told me that I was awesome and he would never tell me he hated me again.  My boys, ages 6, 4, and 2, have a very bad habit of telling us they hate us when they are in trouble.  At first it really got to me, but now, well now I tell them I don't care.  I'm sure my mom is in heaven laughing at me cause I am paying for my raising.... and then some.

Where do I start?

I guess I'll introduce myself.  My name is Crystal.  I live in the gorgeous state of Arkansas.  I was born here 30 years ago.  I have been married to my husband, Wade, since February of 2005.  I have six, yes six, children.  My oldest, Zach, lives with my father (I'll post about that later).  Then there is Emily, Keegan, Caden, Kameron, and Kennedi.  Or as we call them, Emmy, Keeg, Joey, Kam, and Lexi. 

I am a stay-at-home mom, for now.  I dabble a bit in photography and cooking.  I am a proud breastfeeder (some would call me over the top).  I cloth diaper part time.  I am bi-sexual and the daughter of a gay man.  I am tattooed and pierced.  I am a rape survivor.  I am pro-choice.  I am also loyal to a fault but can hold a grudge forever.  I am addicted to Facebook and CafeMom.  I am hopelessly in love with my husband. 

I apologize in advance if I piss you off or offend you with any of my posts.  I have very strong opinions that I will not apologize for.