I did my best

When I was 15, I started dating my oldest son's father.  He was 2 years older than I.  Just like most teenage girls, I was "in love".  "J" was one of those horrible males who did not take "NO" for an answer.  I endured being raped by him several times.  I remember the last time it happened like it was yesterday.  I had gone with him to take one of our friends home and he stopped on a side road.  He climbed over on top of me in the passenger seat and jerked my shorts off.  I was crying and begging him to stop.  He just kept saying "Hang on, I'm almost done".  When he was done, he looked over at me crying and said "I guess I should have stopped".  I didn't talk to him again for a month.  When I did talk to him, it was to tell him I was pregnant.  He screamed at me and told me it wasn't his.  I hadn't been with anyone else. 

It took me 2 months to tell my mom and even then, I wrote her a very long letter taking the blame for everything and apologizing for letting her down.  She hugged me and told me she would help me.  She made me an appointment at the health office for the next day.  She hadn't even told my father yet.  He called the evening of my appointment wanting to know why I wasn't as school that day.  She told him that he was going to be a grandpa.  He was PISSED.... at me.  To this day he says I lied about being raped.  At first, he pushed for me to have an abortion but my mom didn't want me to go through that.  She would be so ashamed of me if she knew that I have had one since then. 

I was pretty lucky.  My parents both stood behind me and helped me out.  I was in the 10th grade, 15 and pregnant.  Almost all of my friends stood behind me too.  On May 21, 1997, I gave birth at 16 yrs old to my son Zachary.  He was born gray.  Almost all of his blood went back into the placenta and he was in the hospital for 3 days.  I was so happy he was ok and we went home. 

About a week after he was born, I returned to school to take my semester tests.  I took my GED test in the fall and passed very quickly.  I spent a year with Zach and in the fall of 98, I started college.  I finished my Administrative Support Certificate while all of my friends were finishing up their senior year.  I was so proud of myself.  I landed a job with a local telephone company in September of 99 through a temp agency.  January 17, 2000, I was hired on permanently with the company.  The next day, my family's life was turned upside down when my mom was killed in a car accident.

My mom and Zach were taking my father breakfast when she was hit by a semi, killing her on impact.  She saved Zach's life.  I know how bad it hurt me, but I can't fathom the pain Zach felt.  He was with her more than he was me since I was working an hour from home. 

I won't sit here and tell you that I'm the perfect mother.  I made A LOT of mistakes when Zach was younger.  I dated some pretty shady people but I always made sure my kids (Zach and his little sister Emily) were safe and taken care of.

In October 2004, I met the love of my life.  Zach struggled with me marrying Wade.  He was never happy.  December of 2005, I made a huge mistake.  I had just come off my depression meds and was extremely angry.  Zach pissed me off one evening and I put my hands around his throat.  I let go of him the instant I realized what I was doing.  He waited 5 months to report me to the school.  CPS came in, I never denied what happened and I completed everything they asked. 

In July 2008, I had had enough of the crap.  Zach had threatened to shove Emily off of our porch and kill her.  He was sneaking around smoking, lying, talking back, etc.  Everything I tried never worked.  He was in counseling, was on several medications, and had even been put in a behavioral hospital for 9 days.  Every time I tried to help him, my father would jump all over me and tell me it was all my fault and threaten to get my other kids taken by CPS.  He told me to let him have Zach for a couple weeks and he'd straighten him up.  I finally called him and told him to either come get Zach or I was putting him in a boy's ranch.

Hind sight is 20/20 and I wish now I had just put him in a boy's ranch and cut my father out of our lives.  My father was supposed to adopt Zach, but his lawyer only drew up guardianship papers.  Instead of reading them, I trusted his lawyer and signed the papers.  Now I have to pay child support.  I'm well over $3000 behind and my license has been suspended.  My father keeps saying that he'll drop the arrears when he's ready or when we consistently bring my other children to see him or any other demand he decides to throw out there. 

Zach had been talking to me really well up until Christmas.  We took the kids to see him on Christmas Eve.  It was a pretty good visit but it was the last.  Some words were exchanged because Wade had accused my father of calling CPS on us recently.  Come to find out, Zach had told lies to one of his friends because he thought he'd get to see the kids more or that my father would get them, so she called on us.  I'm really not sure where I went wrong with him but I did my best.  I miss Zach every day.  Maybe someday, when he's grown, he'll see what was right and what was wrong and that I love him enough to endure hell for him.  And I pray that his children NEVER put him through what he has put me through.

Fat to Fabulous-My Weightloss Journey Begins

Today, December 27, 2011, is the first day of the rest of my life. I AM going to make a change and not get discouraged. I weighed this morning and was appalled at the number I saw. I owe it to my kids and husband to get fit but most of all, I owe it to myself. I'm 30 years old. I'm not getting any younger. Every day I am going to incorporate physical activity into my life. I'm gonna make it fun and change things up.

• Current weight-- 223 lbs
• Neck-- 14 inches
• Arm-- 15 inches
• Bust-- 41 inches (under); 49 inches (over)
• Waist-- 45 inches
• Hips-- 52 inches
• Thigh-- 25 inches
• Calf-- 15.5 inches

I would probably say I want my first goal to be to lose 25 lbs by my anniversary (February 24th) but I'm going to be realistic and say I will lose 10-15 lbs by then. That's 8.5 weeks away, so totally doable. I've got this.

It's Christmas :)

I'm just going to ramble today.  Today is Christmas 2011.  It is the 7th Christmas I have spent with my wonderful husband.  Two days ago we celebrated with his family as we always do.  This was the first year that we have not spent Christmas with my family.  And oddly enough, I am VERY ok with that.  I am finally at peace with knowing things will never be ok between my father and me.  I do miss my son but we talk a lot.  One day he will know the truth.  Until then, I will just be here for him. 

Twelve years ago I spent the very last Christmas that I ever would with my mom.  She was here with us this year though.  I could feel her spirit around me.  I know that she would not want me to be sad so this year I'm not but I am kinda mad at her for leaving me.  I still just don't understand but know there was a reason.  I'm pretty sure that she would be proud of me.  She would have adored her grandbabies.  She would have loved Wade.

What's the frigging point?

If you've never had depression, it's hard to understand.  At this very moment, I look absolutely normal on the outside.  On the inside is a different story.  My mind feels completely out of control and I literally feel like I want out of my own skin.

Now I hear you asking yourself, "If you know you have it, why don't you get help?"  Well, that's the problem.  I did get help.  I was on a certain antidepressant that was working wonders for me and then my insurance stopped covering it.  FUCK!!!  Now I'm on a different one and although I didn't have a lapse between medications, I am having a manic episode including extreme anxiety and agitation.  I've been on the new medicine for almost 2 weeks and it is NOT working.

Add to all of that, the fact that I could get the generic of the first medicine for only $15.43.  Why don't I you ask?  Well, we are already struggling to pay our bills and juggling them around the best we can.  That money would take away from our electric or water or even gas for my husband to get to work. 

No wonder more people don't get help for their issues.  In this economy it's just so hard to provide for your family and take care of yourself.  I just want to cry, but what would that help?

Target is NOT breastfeeding in public friendly (hot topic)

There's not a whole lot that chaps my ass but a mom being told to breastfeed her child in a fitting room or bathroom does.  And for employees of a store, restaurant, etc., to tell the mom that it is their policy to tell them so enrages me further.  You better believe if there was a Target close to me, I would be attending the nurse-in they have planned.  It is time for people to open their eyes and realize that women in tank tops and bikinis tend to show more skin than a nursing mother.  I have breastfed my children in so many different places and I dare someone to tell me to "take it elsewhere".  It is AGAINST the law to harrass a nursing mom.  She can legally nurse anywhere children are allowed. 
If you click here, it will take you to the Facebook group.  Below is a copy of the incident.

Michelle Hickman:


Here is the lengthy official details feel free to cut and paste and share everywhere:

Target Does Not Support Breastfeeding in Public

I'm not the best public speaker or the most educated or outspoken person in breastfeeding rights but I am a mom of 4 who has been harassed and humiliated by Target for nursing by infant in their store. On November 29th around 7-8pm, I was Christmas shopping with a basket full of items when my infant woke up hungry, so I found a remote area of the store in the ladies clothing department close to the fitting rooms and sat Indian style on the floor next to my basket and a display of jeans and nursed my hungry baby with a blanket completely covering him. Briefly I will say that 2 women employees came and verbally asked me to move. The 2nd one told me that Target employees had been told/trained to interrupt nursing and to redirect mothers to the fitting rooms. Even after I informed the 2nd employee of my legal right to nurse in public she still suggested me moving closer to the jean display, turning to face another direction, and also turn my basket a certain way which would have put me practically underneath the jean display and totally barricaded me in. Employee #2 even said in a hint around but threatening way you can get a ticket and be reported for indecent exposure when nothing was being exposed and there was more boob showing from low cut shirts several shoppers were wearing that night. This does not include the other 3-4 employees besides the 2 verbal ones who were all watching and making a spectacle of my nursing by walking by standing around pretending to do something and giving me mean looks and shaking their heads no back and forth. In a side note not a single non-employee customer ever saw the incident so I'm not sure why the employees were trying to act like I was offending "the public" and that it was their job to step in.

After I left the store I decided to call the Target corporate office during normal business hours the following day on November 30th,  and speak to a guest relations person to notify them of the situation and to suggest that they educate their employees as to the legal right I have to nurse in public. The phone call however took a turn for the worse. The lady (I wish I would have gotten her name) told me that she and Target were aware of our legal rights as nursing mothers, but that Target has different policies because they are a family friendly public place. I can't think of a more family friendly act than breastfeeding and providing the irrefutably proven healthiest diet to my baby. She continued to inform me repetitively that Target's policies were different than the law and even went as far to say several times that just because it is a woman's right to nurse in public even without a nursing cover like I was using doesn't mean women should walk around and I quote "flaunting it" and was extremely rude. I also talked to the supervisor of this rude lady and that didn't get anywhere either.

It saddens me that mothers are being treated this way as if breastfeeding is vile and offensive. If this would have happened to me with the first child I nursed I would have considered giving up on nursing due to embarrassment and that is what concerns me the most. I know that breastmilk is best and that nursing is hard work and a selfless act that mothers choose to do for their babies, and I would hate for this to happen to someone else causing them to give up on nursing. Please help me support the best nutrition for babies and to make a stand in support of nursing in public so this doesn't happen again.

My attempt at going "Green"

I've never really thought of myself as "eco-friendly", but lately I've been making changes.  I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself and my family.

I started cleaning with vinegar.  Oh, man, does that stuff stink!  But it works!!  To me it's worth it.  Things just seem cleaner with it.  My bathroom is no longer moldy from a leaky faucet mixed with heat.  My mirrors seem so much more sparkly.  My sinks, counters, and microwave are immaculate.  Never in a million years did I think vinegar would clean so well.  :)  Clean with Vinegar

I've also started cloth diapering our 3 month old daughter during the day.  A very dear friend of mine sent me a ton of diapers and inserts while I was pregnant with Kennedi.  She just recently got big enough to wear them.  They haven't added to my work load at all since I already do SO much laundry anyway.  I have to say I'm very pleased.  At first it was a bit challenging as she was leaking out of them.  We've got the hang of it now.

My next steps will be making my own cloth baby wipes and laundry detergent.  I already breastfeed so all of this just adds to it.  I am excited to be making my family's carbon footprint smaller, even if it is just a tiny amount.  Not to mention the money we will save.  Every penny counts!!

"Through a rapist's eyes"~~This might save your life

It seems that alot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone should read this especially each and every girl in this world. THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG… FYI - Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.
3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.
5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.
6] Number three is public restrooms.
7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.
8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.
9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

——————————————————————————- POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.
2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.
3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.
5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.
6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

———————————————- FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL: I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go “hmm I must remember that” After reading forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.
2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.
5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .
b. If you! u are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

 Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry. If u have a heart or compassion reblog this post. ‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand. LET EVERY GIRL KNOW. Your one reblog can help to spread this information. Usually we don’t do this, but we care a LOT for our followers and don’t want to see them hurt in any way. Normally I don’t reblog this, but this is important.

The holidays are upon us

Well there are 25 days until Christmas.  This is the first time in a very long time that I am actually looking forward to Christmas.  The kids won't be getting much but I am finally going to explain to them what Christmas is about.  I feel my mom around me a lot lately.  She would want me to celebrate and be happy, so I'm going to.  I can't promise I won't cry but that's ok.

This will be a tough year for my wonderful husband and his family.  It will be the 2nd one without Maw Maw.  She and I may have argued and disagreed but she loved me and I loved her.  With that said, I am worried about my own grandmother.  She is in poor health and I feel like she doesn't have much time left here on earth. 

I was worried how we were going to manage getting gifts for our kiddos but an angel called me and offered their help.  I am forever grateful for that.  Next year will be different.  We will be an angel for someone.

There is one thing and one thing only that I personally want for Christmas.  Along with that gift will come peace of mind for me.  I wouldn't have to constantly worry and watch over my shoulder.  Getting this gift will take an act of God though, but you know what???  I BELIEVE!!!  Every day until it happens, I am going to envision it taking place. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

25 Things I Love About....my husband

I met my husband in October of 2004.  He was my youngest brother's best friend.  I thank God for him everyday.  There are LOTS of things I love about him but here are 25 of them....

1. He never fails to tell me he loves me
2. He took on the role of daddy in a "ready made" family
3. He loves my 2 oldest children as his own
4. He gave me 3 ornery little boys and 1 gorgeous little girl
5. He has an awesome family
6. He speaks his mind
7. He loves me despite my flaws
8. He always tells me I'm beautiful
9. He does his best to make my dreams come true
10. He believes in me
11. He trusts me
12. He has endured abuse from my family because he loves me
13. He was strong enough to get off drugs (before we met)
14. He provides for our family without complaining
15. He respects me
16. He is an amazing father
17. He helps me around the house
18. He helps out his family
19. He has tattoos (yeah silly I know but I love them)
20. He has really brought me out of my shell
21. He backs me up
22. He doesn't let his past define him
23. He also doesn't let my past affect him
24. He has gorgeous blue eyes
25. And most of all I love him cause he is mine!




My life.... Wade



A mother's love

If you had told me 12 years ago that I would be spending the very last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, I probably would have hit you.  She was my everything.  People have told me for years that I look just like her.  I didn't see it till recently.



My mom at 17, me at 30

 I will never forget the day she died.  My father called me at work, leaving a message that said, "Your mom's been in a wreck and I don't know where Zach is".  I remember standing up and screaming, "Someone get me out of here."  One of my bosses took me home where I rode with one of my mom's friends to the hospital.  I found my father, brothers, and son and immediately knew she was gone.  I was so numb.  A nurse came in to ask if there was anything she could do.  I yelled at her, "Yeah, you can bring my mom back."  I will never forgive my father for making me go in that room to see her.  She was green from her liver bursting, blood coming out her ears and nose.  I hate him for making me see her that way.  He said I'd never forgive myself if I didn't see her one last time, but it's him I'll never forgive.  The next few days were crazy.  My uncle made her a pine coffin.  It was beautiful and my aunt, her sister, did her hair and makeup.  She looked like mom sleeping. 

She was in so much pain in the years before she died.  She had Crohn's disease.  She was so strong and endured so much.  People said that she pulled out in front of that semi on purpose because she wanted to die.  That can't be further from the truth.  For one, she had my son with her.  He was her world.  And for two, she had so many medications that if she wanted to kill herself, she knew what combinations to take. 

I think I lost my mind for a few years after she died.  I made some horrible choices.  She would have been so ashamed of me then, but now, I think she would be very proud of the woman I have become.  If it weren't for everything she instilled in me, I think it's possible that I would have never turned things around.  She sent me Wade.  He is so much like her that sometimes it's scary and sometimes it makes me cry.  I love you mom.  RIP Marlene McNutt Ragan 3-31-60 to 1-18-00

You've breastfed how long?

I'm a firm believer in breastfeeding.  In fact, I'm so pro-breastfeeding that I have even called myself a breastfeeding nazi.  I have breastfed 7 kids.  I know you are asking yourself "7 kids???  I thought she only had 6."  And I do only have 6 children of my own but my niece, who was 6 weeks premature, couldn't tolerate her formula at one point so I also nursed her for a few weeks while also nursing my 18 month old daughter.  She did so well on it.  My brother put a stop to it because it was "disgusting" as he put it. 

I was 16 years old when my first child was born.  I was so determined to breastfeed because my mom told me I wouldn't be able to.  Now don't take that the wrong way.  My mom was very pro-breastfeeding.  She breastfed both of my brothers and me.  She was just so afraid that at 16 and going to college, I wouldn't be able to do it.  I didn't have enough milk so I did supplement with formula and goat's milk.  I did it while going to college, working, and having a life. 

Me at 16 with Zach

 

I have breastfed for 11 years and 3 months so far.  I am currently nursing my 2 month old daughter.  I used to be one of those moms who physically got sick if I saw a bottle of formula in a baby's mouth.  Thanks to some wonderful friends I met online, I have come to realize that not everyone can breastfeed.  Not everyone wants to breastfeed either and while I feel that it is selfish to not even try, they are not my child and I'm thankful they are getting fed.  One day when my children are in school, I will go back to school to become a lactation consultant.  I will be able to help moms who have no support.  Knowledge is power.  :)

It's been a long day

It has been one VERY long day.  Of course no different than any of my other days as a wife and mother.  I accomplished quite a bit today and have remained positive.  That's not gonna happen everyday even with "happy pills".  At this moment, my infant daughter is asleep and my husband has the other monkeys (as we call them) in the living room.  Sometimes a woman just needs time to herself.  It doesn't happen often. 

I use the computer between cleaning and cooking and childcare.  And as much as I get irritated at the hum-drum of doing the same thing day in and day out, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.  Well, maybe chocolate and a million dollars.  Ah, who am I kidding?  Everyone knows I live for my husband and kids.  Without them I really don't know who I'd be but I never want to find that out.

I make my kids mad but I know they love me.  I made them homemade pizza cupcakes for dinner and my 6 year old told me that I was awesome and he would never tell me he hated me again.  My boys, ages 6, 4, and 2, have a very bad habit of telling us they hate us when they are in trouble.  At first it really got to me, but now, well now I tell them I don't care.  I'm sure my mom is in heaven laughing at me cause I am paying for my raising.... and then some.

Where do I start?

I guess I'll introduce myself.  My name is Crystal.  I live in the gorgeous state of Arkansas.  I was born here 30 years ago.  I have been married to my husband, Wade, since February of 2005.  I have six, yes six, children.  My oldest, Zach, lives with my father (I'll post about that later).  Then there is Emily, Keegan, Caden, Kameron, and Kennedi.  Or as we call them, Emmy, Keeg, Joey, Kam, and Lexi. 

I am a stay-at-home mom, for now.  I dabble a bit in photography and cooking.  I am a proud breastfeeder (some would call me over the top).  I cloth diaper part time.  I am bi-sexual and the daughter of a gay man.  I am tattooed and pierced.  I am a rape survivor.  I am pro-choice.  I am also loyal to a fault but can hold a grudge forever.  I am addicted to Facebook and CafeMom.  I am hopelessly in love with my husband. 

I apologize in advance if I piss you off or offend you with any of my posts.  I have very strong opinions that I will not apologize for.