A mother's love

If you had told me 12 years ago that I would be spending the very last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, I probably would have hit you.  She was my everything.  People have told me for years that I look just like her.  I didn't see it till recently.



My mom at 17, me at 30

 I will never forget the day she died.  My father called me at work, leaving a message that said, "Your mom's been in a wreck and I don't know where Zach is".  I remember standing up and screaming, "Someone get me out of here."  One of my bosses took me home where I rode with one of my mom's friends to the hospital.  I found my father, brothers, and son and immediately knew she was gone.  I was so numb.  A nurse came in to ask if there was anything she could do.  I yelled at her, "Yeah, you can bring my mom back."  I will never forgive my father for making me go in that room to see her.  She was green from her liver bursting, blood coming out her ears and nose.  I hate him for making me see her that way.  He said I'd never forgive myself if I didn't see her one last time, but it's him I'll never forgive.  The next few days were crazy.  My uncle made her a pine coffin.  It was beautiful and my aunt, her sister, did her hair and makeup.  She looked like mom sleeping. 

She was in so much pain in the years before she died.  She had Crohn's disease.  She was so strong and endured so much.  People said that she pulled out in front of that semi on purpose because she wanted to die.  That can't be further from the truth.  For one, she had my son with her.  He was her world.  And for two, she had so many medications that if she wanted to kill herself, she knew what combinations to take. 

I think I lost my mind for a few years after she died.  I made some horrible choices.  She would have been so ashamed of me then, but now, I think she would be very proud of the woman I have become.  If it weren't for everything she instilled in me, I think it's possible that I would have never turned things around.  She sent me Wade.  He is so much like her that sometimes it's scary and sometimes it makes me cry.  I love you mom.  RIP Marlene McNutt Ragan 3-31-60 to 1-18-00