My Story Isn't Over Yet;

SO......  It's been a LONG while since I last wrote and a lot has changed.  By a lot, I mean a TON!!!  It's been almost 3 years since I posted on this blog.  Here's the link to that blog post if you want to read it.  It isn't pretty.  This one won't be sunshine and rainbows but it will offer some insight into my mind.  That's kind of a scary place.  Who am I kidding??  It isn't kind of scary, it's very scary.  

Onto the changes that have happened in our lives.  In March of 2013, Wade lost his job and when he couldn't find one or get his unemployment, I applied at Wal*Mart and a few other places.  I honestly didn't think I'd get a call back from any of the places.  Wal*Mart did call me back and I started April 1st as a cashier.  I had panic attacks daily and it was not easy.  On my birthday and my 12th day of work, one of the CSM's (customer service manager) came to me and asked if I'd like to be a secondary CSM.  I FREAKED out!!!  I started bawling and yelled at her to leave me alone (I was having a panic attack).  She also had cake and a balloon for me!!!  Brenda saw the potential in me that I didn't see in myself.  She got Wade on board with convincing me that I *could* handle the job.  And you know what?  I DID!!!!  

I was a secondary from about the end of April until August when I was promoted to regular CSM.  I worked as many hours as management would let me even though it meant that I barely saw my family.  There were days that I put my children on the bus, dropped one at the sitter, and didn't see them again until the next morning.  There were also days that I only "saw" my husband when he kissed me before he left for work as I was sleeping and when I climbed in bed after getting home at 9, 10, 11 pm, 12, or 1 am.  That was HARD!  I pushed that hard so that I could become a full time employee, which I did after being with the company for 1 year 9 months and 8 days.  I am so proud of myself for that.  I still push myself hard 7 months later.  

It hasn't been easy to push myself though.  If this is your first time reading my blog, I'll tell you now, I'm sick.  I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Depression.  I'm sure if I'd actually open up, I'd also be diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  Who knows what else??  Along with the Bipolar and Depression occasionally comes suicidal thoughts.  I can't always stop the thoughts from entering my mind but I haven't acted on any of them so I call that progress.  I am finally medicated after almost 4 years of not being, though I am having to already come off of one of the 2 that I was on due to complications.  I'll be trying to find another one that works for me with less side effects.

Asking for medication and help was really hard for me this time.  I felt defeated and angry that I could no longer control myself.  For a good long while after I started working, work was my drug and then some things happened where I no longer felt safe.  And now that I'm writing it out, maybe it wasn't just the things at work that caused that but all the things in my life that happened within those 4 months from January to April that made me not feel safe.  I have found comfort in so many friends but at the same time I feel lonely.  I know some of you are reading this and I don't want you to feel guilty.  I know that you are there for me at the drop of a hat, but this is my journey and it's not easy to ask for help or say "I'm not ok today".  

Earlier this month, I almost couldn't stop the thought of driving my truck off an embankment coming home from work one evening.  Luckily, for me, the thought of ruining my kid's school supplies kept me from doing that.  When I got home, I broke down.  I told Wade that I thought maybe the one medication just wasn't enough.  The next morning, I talked to another friend that I trusted.  By that evening, I was broken again and I lashed out at someone.  Because of that moment, I came to realize just how many people DO care about me.  Mental illness tells you that no one cares, that you are all alone, and that you are just a big screw up.  It's hard to believe that people love you when your mind tells you different.  Because of that day, I now have a tattoo on my left forearm that has a suicide awareness ribbon and says "My story isn't over yet;" and I do believe THAT!!!

Back into the trenches

This is a post I have been putting off for a while now.  I'm back in that scary, terrifying place.  The deep, dark abyss that is depression.  When it rains, it pours. 

I've lost track of time.  I guess it's been about a month since my mother in law moved into a camper that my husband had to help her get.  She's not just living in the camper, she's in MY yard.  Mooching off of our electric.  Her skanky, shady friends are constantly in my driveway.  I am so stressed out.  She lost her house to foreclosure because she cared more about stupid stuff.  She let her boyfriend and her youngest son and his girlfriend mooch off of her. 

My sweet husband couldn't let his mom be homeless so he helped her.  No one else would help her this time because she has screwed every one over at least once.  She has put us in a huge bind and it seems like she doesn't even care, although she says she does.  If her sister can work, so can she.  She has almost ruined my marriage.  I'm to the point that if I had somewhere to go, I'd be gone in a heartbeat until she left.  She actually had the nerve to tell my husband that she was sick of my shit.  Lady, you have NO idea how done I am with you.  One day, I will get to say everything I want and it will not be pleasant. 

I know that I shouldn't let her crap bring me down, but it has.  I'm no longer in a good place.  Everyday is a struggle to get through.  If it wasn't for my kids and husband, I'm afraid to think about what might happen.  The anger and rage within is frightening.  And I have to put up with this until one of two things happen.... 1) she pays off the camper and gets the hell out of here or 2) she gets her disability and gets the hell out of here. 

How can a mother live with herself, knowing that she is the reason her son and his wife argue almost daily?  How can a woman mooch off her son and her father knowing full well that they both struggle to pay their own bills?  I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive her for this. 

Out of the darkness

A few weeks ago I started taking herbal supplements for my post partum depression.  I was a bit sceptical but I didn't have anything to lose.  I was in a place that terrified me and finally asked for help.  A friend pointed me in the direction of Mountain Granny's Organic Herbs.  Tanya from Mountain Granny's has helped me so much.  I am so thankful to have found her.

Right now, I am taking St. John's Wort, Energy/Metabolism Support, Brain Support, Stress Relief/Sleep Support, Adrenal Fatigue No More, and Intestinal Cleanse.  Yes it sounds like a lot but it really isn't.  I take them twice a day and I can tell when I miss a dose.  I have decided when I place an order, that I am going to go with the Energy/Metabolism Support and the Stress Relief/Sleep Support.  Tanya will work with you and if you are on our medication, she'll check interactions.

If you had told me a month ago that I'd be on my way to being happy, I would have sarcastically laughed at you. I have not been this happy in YEARS. Thank you God, Tanya, and Jana!

Before

After

What makes you "Mom Enough"?

I've had a couple days to mull over the cover of TIME magazine.  If you haven't seen it, it is a photo of a svelte woman breastfeeding her almost 4 year old who is standing in a chair.  The tag-line..... Are YOU mom enough?  This photo has sparked SO much controversy.  Some were appalled at the age of the child breastfeeding.  I was appalled that it came across to women that they weren't mom enough if they didn't breastfeed to almost 4 years old and practice attachment parenting.  And I breastfeed and practice attachment parenting. 

Magazine cover in question
Courtesy TIME magazine

So what makes a mother "mom enough"?  Honestly as long as she does what is right for her family, she's mom enough in my eyes.  Being a mom is hard enough without constantly worrying if you are good enough. 

So you exclusively breastfeed, good job.  Oh, you supplement with formula, awesome.  What's that, you only formula feed?  Amazing.  Whether you babywear or use a stroller; cloth diaper or use sposies; vaccinate or not, you are MOM ENOUGH.  Same goes for co-sleeping or using a crib; working full-time, part-time or staying home; making baby's food or buying it, every choice you make for your child with their best interest at heart makes you the best mom in the world.

I saw another photo posted on Facebook and I don't know who credit goes to, but it says everything I've said here.  Don't worry about what the mom next door is doing.  Do your best and that's all that matters.

If you know who the credit goes to,
please let me know.

A day in my life

I realized last night that I have never actually shared what a day in my life is like.  Well, today I will enlighten you.  Are you ready?? 

I toss and turn all night so I sleep maybe 4 hours, plus we co-sleep and Lexi is breastfed so that's factored in.  And NO, I don't want to hear that she should be in her own bed.

So after not sleeping well, Wade's alarm (on my phone) goes off at 4:50 am.  Chances are I've been awake awhile.  I smack the phone to turn it off.  Wade gets up and goes to the shower while I try to fall back asleep.

Just as I'm dozing off, my alarm goes back off at 6:25 am.  Man, it's time to get the heathens, err kids, up for school.  I stop off at the bathroom to tinkle.  If Lexi is awake, I change her diaper.  I peck Emily on the head to wake her, telling her, "Time to get up, Sis".  She pulls the covers over her head.  I sit in my recliner and tell her, "Emily, it's time to get up NOW.  I know you're awake."  I hear "Ugh!"  But she sits up and gives me a dirty look.  You'd think she was 16, not 10.  By the time she's dressed, Joey and Kam are awake and half stomp, half-run into the living room.  At least they are in a good mood.

At around 6:45, Keegan comes down from Paw Paw's to wait on the bus.  All 4 older kids instantly start fighting.  If Lexi is awake, they fight over who gets to hold her first.  They fight, argue, bicker, and play with the baby until 7:15 am when it's finally (thank you God) time for Emily and Keegan to go wait on the bus.  They fight the whole time until the bus arrives.

As soon as Emily and Keegan are on the bus, I get Joey ready for headstart.  We watch for his bus to pull up next door around 7:30 am.  I pick Lexi up, grab Kam's hand, and we head over to the bus.  All the way, I'm reminding Kam NOT to climb on the bus and to stand right next to me while I sign Joey on the bus.  We race back to the house and more often than not, Kam hides behind a bush so we play "I can't see you, where'd you go?"

We get back in the house and I turn on my computer and find him some cartoons to watch.  I put Lexi in the floor to play and ask Kam what he wants to eat.  I take my birth control pill and allergy pill.  We eat and play some.  Around 8:00-8:30 am, Lexi gets tired, so I nurse her to sleep.  Kam whines about wanting to pee off the porch but the door's locked.  I growl at him to use the bathroom.  He gets the paddle, unlocks the door, and pees off the porch.  UGH!

Once again he starts whining, this time about the cartoon coming on.  I change it, he doesn't like the new one, I change it again.  Ok, he's happy but now Lexi's awake.  I change her and put her down to play.  I realize Kam has on no shorts or underwear so we get him some because he says his others are wet.  As I'm walking from the living room to the bedroom, I pick up stray clothes since the kids think the living room and kitchen look like a hamper.  Get Kam's clean clothes on and start a load of laundry.  I stop in the kitchen to throw away all the trash Wade left on the counter last night and the kids left on it this morning.  The trash can is 4 feet away!!! 

I gather up the dirty dishes from last night cause yes, I am that lazy.  I may or may not do dishes today.  I yell at Kam to get out of the bathroom, stop climbing, get out of the fridge, or get back in the house.  Now it's time for lunch so we eat.  Lexi slaps at my food since I'm not feeding her.  I give her a bite and she spits it out.  Lunch is over so I put Lexi down.  She starts crying so I pick her up and we tend to the laundry.  I take yesterday's clothes out of the dryer, put them in our room, and put the clothes out of the washer into the dryer and turn it on.

Now I've gotta pee so I go in the bathroom to find a random mess Kam has made.  I clean it up while Lexi screams from being tired again.  I give the bathroom a wipedown and head to the living room.  I sit down in my recliner, nurse Lexi, and she falls asleep.  Dangit, I forgot to pee.  I quietly and carefully get up and head to the bathroom holding a sleeping, nursing baby.  AHHH sweet relief.  Lexi naps, I surf the net, and Kam watches cartoons in between climbing, jumping, and playing with his toys.

Now it's about 1:30 pm and time to get Joey off the bus.  Again I warn Kam to stay off the bus and stand right beside me.  I sign Joey off the bus and he holds my hand as we walk home.  We talk about his day and get a snack.  We all four sit in the floor and play.  About 2:30 pm, we put the toys away.  I sweep the kitchen and vacuum the living room.  The boys fight over what cartoon to watch.  I decide I'm sick of the fighting so we go outside.  I put Lexi in her walker and we watch the boys play.  At 3:30 pm, Emily and Keegan get home.  The fighting resumes.  Can I pull my hair out now?

Em and Keeg decide they want to go to Aunt Donna and Kelly's so we climb in the van.  I buckle Lexi up and Emmy tries to help Kam and Joey buckle up.  After a few minutes I do it myself and thank her for her help.  I get them to Kelly's and Kam starts crying, "I want Telly."  He cries all the way home and for about 10 minutes after we get home.  I'm hoping this is one of those days where Kelly and Matt take them to the park. 

Wade gets home about 4:20 pm.  He comes in, asks how our day was, changes, and sits on the couch.  I hand him Lexi and head to the kitchen to make dinner.  The boys keep coming in the kitchen asking for stuff.  I finally yell at them to go sit down.  Wade gets on to them and I yell at him.  I get dinner made and everyone a plate made.  We eat and then it's time for a bath for the kiddos.  Get them out and give the boys their allergy meds.  It's now around 6:30-7:00 pm.  Time for Joey to snuggle with Daddy on the couch and Kam to sit with Mommy in the chair.  By 8:00 pm they are both out so Wade carries them to bed.  Sometime between 8:30 and 10:00 pm, Wade and I head to bed.

Somewhere in all of this, I've changed a few more diapers, nursed Lexi a few more times, picked up toys more times than I should have, and done all of it while battling depression, feeling worthless, and being full of anger.  Somedays I'm able to fit a shower in.  I have to make myself do the dishes and the laundry, but I promise, it does get done.  That's one of my days in a nutshell. 

Just me



My heart is heavy

One of the most beautiful women I know is lying on a couch at my aunt's house nearing the end of her life.  My grandmother, that I love so dearly, is so very sick.  She has several tumors in her frail little body.  She has lost so much weight and is now down to 98 lbs.  My heart hurts so bad every time I think of her suffering, nevermind how much it hurts when we go visit her.

Gran has been through a lot in her 79 years.  Just within the past 14 years she has lost her husband, a grandson, and two daughters.  She has been so strong through it all. 

Gran, Lexi, and me Thanksgiving 2011
3 Generations (minus my mom)

A lot of my fondest childhood memories include being at Gran's house.  There were several times that I packed my little pail and headed off walking to Gran and Papa's house.  I never made it far before mom caught up with me.  I do believe that we went to their house just about every weekend.  Family was everything.  Still is, but I'm guilty of letting life get in the way.

No matter what I did, I could always count on Gran to be there for me.  I recall several times getting in trouble with Mom or Dad and Gran would say, "Don't you whoop that baby", regardless of how old I was.  I miss that.  I miss everything about life back then.  Even summers were spent at their house. 

I'm going to miss going to her house.  She and I would sit and look through her photo albums even if it was one we had looked at the time before.  She didn't take pictures but she and I share a love of photography.  I am so much like her.  She understands me like no one else.  I know that Papa, Mom, Aunt Dar, and Jerry are all waiting on her, along with her parents and other family.  She will be so missed here though.

From Left to right, top to bottom: Gran and Dad; Gran and me; Gran and me;
Gran, me, and Jerry; Papa, Jerry, Gran, and me; Papa, Lori, Mom, me, and Gran

Have you missed me?

Cause I have missed writing and sharing.  Lots has happened since the last time I *truly* shared.  My dad dropped ALL, yes all of the arrears on my child support.  He and are getting along better than we have in a very long time.  We take the kids to see him at least a couple times a month.  I couldn't ask for that part of my life to be any better (well except for Zach to start behaving).

My dad with all 6 of my kids

My Gran, whom I love so very much, found out she has cancer.  She's been staying with my Aunt Janie and I've been making the long drive to go see her as often as I can.  She will be 79 in 2 days. 

I got a new (to me) van.  A 2005 Pontiac Montana.  And my 3 youngest monkeys got new carseats.  We got a lot of our bills paid (thank you God and income taxes).

My new van

I also lost a bunch of "friends".  What I said could have been said with more tact or in a different way.  However when you constantly talk about your animal and come across to several people that you care more about the animal than your children, something needs said.  Am I sorry I said it?  Not now.  Not with how everyone reacted and how some completely turned their backs on me.  I found out who my true friends are.

That's the jist of what's been happening, so until next time..... later gators.