Onto the changes that have happened in our lives. In March of 2013, Wade lost his job and when he couldn't find one or get his unemployment, I applied at Wal*Mart and a few other places. I honestly didn't think I'd get a call back from any of the places. Wal*Mart did call me back and I started April 1st as a cashier. I had panic attacks daily and it was not easy. On my birthday and my 12th day of work, one of the CSM's (customer service manager) came to me and asked if I'd like to be a secondary CSM. I FREAKED out!!! I started bawling and yelled at her to leave me alone (I was having a panic attack). She also had cake and a balloon for me!!! Brenda saw the potential in me that I didn't see in myself. She got Wade on board with convincing me that I *could* handle the job. And you know what? I DID!!!!
I was a secondary from about the end of April until August when I was promoted to regular CSM. I worked as many hours as management would let me even though it meant that I barely saw my family. There were days that I put my children on the bus, dropped one at the sitter, and didn't see them again until the next morning. There were also days that I only "saw" my husband when he kissed me before he left for work as I was sleeping and when I climbed in bed after getting home at 9, 10, 11 pm, 12, or 1 am. That was HARD! I pushed that hard so that I could become a full time employee, which I did after being with the company for 1 year 9 months and 8 days. I am so proud of myself for that. I still push myself hard 7 months later.
It hasn't been easy to push myself though. If this is your first time reading my blog, I'll tell you now, I'm sick. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Depression. I'm sure if I'd actually open up, I'd also be diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. Who knows what else?? Along with the Bipolar and Depression occasionally comes suicidal thoughts. I can't always stop the thoughts from entering my mind but I haven't acted on any of them so I call that progress. I am finally medicated after almost 4 years of not being, though I am having to already come off of one of the 2 that I was on due to complications. I'll be trying to find another one that works for me with less side effects.
Asking for medication and help was really hard for me this time. I felt defeated and angry that I could no longer control myself. For a good long while after I started working, work was my drug and then some things happened where I no longer felt safe. And now that I'm writing it out, maybe it wasn't just the things at work that caused that but all the things in my life that happened within those 4 months from January to April that made me not feel safe. I have found comfort in so many friends but at the same time I feel lonely. I know some of you are reading this and I don't want you to feel guilty. I know that you are there for me at the drop of a hat, but this is my journey and it's not easy to ask for help or say "I'm not ok today".
Earlier this month, I almost couldn't stop the thought of driving my truck off an embankment coming home from work one evening. Luckily, for me, the thought of ruining my kid's school supplies kept me from doing that. When I got home, I broke down. I told Wade that I thought maybe the one medication just wasn't enough. The next morning, I talked to another friend that I trusted. By that evening, I was broken again and I lashed out at someone. Because of that moment, I came to realize just how many people DO care about me. Mental illness tells you that no one cares, that you are all alone, and that you are just a big screw up. It's hard to believe that people love you when your mind tells you different. Because of that day, I now have a tattoo on my left forearm that has a suicide awareness ribbon and says "My story isn't over yet;" and I do believe THAT!!!
